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September 18th, 2010

11:11 pm - fighting or giving up?

guess what!?! nah i'll tell ya.. i'm finally got the time 2 go back 2 writing! that's great isn't it? i bet it is =)
i'm truely sorry that it took me so long 2 get another blog written but i've been thru a really hard time the last month n especially the last days.. n i'Ve 2 say thnx 4 hangin in with me even tho i didn't really talked much but i just didn't feel up 2 it but anyways i found my way outta that whole i've been stuck in n i'm glad that i finally found a good way outta it without gettin stuck in another whole...

anyways like i already said did i have a few really rough month n well sometimes it really seemed kinda senseless 2 keep goin when i wasn't able 2 see the light at the end of the tunnel... i tried 2 b as strong as usual but honestly i've 2 say that it really didn't work the way it used 2 work all the other times b4... sure do i have the best support i can get even tho if it's no1 from my real family but i built up a new family n dang it i couldn't get it work better any other way (u know who u r <3) i'm really thankful that i found each single one of u n i don't wanna miss u in my life anymore cuz u guys r the reason why i keep goin as good as i can! thnx 4 everything u r doin 2 me n i really appreciate it...

i remember a couple of month ago i really didn't had the energy 2 keep fightin anymore.. i was cryin almost the whole day long n thought about the good n the bad stuff of stoping everythin n of keep fighting:

giving up:
-less pain
-less suffering
-more time 2 enjoy life
-able 2 move back 2 the US
-spendin more time with the puppy
-breakin thousends of hearts all over the world
-losin some really loved ones
-never goin 2 b able 2 meet some peeps i really wanna meet
-bein a loser
-not able 2 fullfill my dreams
-no more abuse

keep fighting:
-more pain
-more suffering
-less time 2 enjoy
-less time for puppy
-not bein able 2 move back 2 the US soon
-goin 2 reah my dreams
-continuing 2 spread the word
-bein a fighter
-goin 2 meet the ones i really wanna meet

there r a lot of pro's n contra's n holy crap i'm able 2 tell ya that i really didn't had the enrgy 2 continue fightin n so i decided 2 do some really dumb stuff.. i drunk ways 2 many alcohol n i took ways 2 many sleeping pills n i can tell ya why i did it.. here ya go (this was b4 my knee surgery):

it was one of those nice summerdays where it's not 2 hot n not 2 cold, just exactly the perfect temperature so spent a whole day outside with ur dog, so i did. i slept in till noon skiped breakfast n lunch, grabbed my puppy n just started walkin, walkin 2 the sun, we passed some really active roads n just kept walkin our way 2 the sun. i can't even tell how long i've been walkin that way but we just continued cuz it was just one of those days where u need lots of quality time for ur own so that u r able 2 work out all the stuff which happend 2 u the last couple of weeks, month n also years. so my puppy n i just kept walkin thru some fields of flowers n saw some really awesome birds n other stuff too, its just great when u can concentrate on urself n mother nature when u didn't had that chance since quite a while. at this moment i didn't know that it wouldn't end up as nice as it started.. we kept walkin thru the fields untill we ended up into an incredibly beautiful forrest with lots of awesome flowers... we entered the forrest n i let the puppy from the lead so that he could finally start running around and play n so on. after a while we spent walkin thru the forrest, it started feeling like someone was keeping an eye on me for some really strange reasons.. i turned around n tried if i could see someone.. but i didnt. so i kept walking.. after another while i felt those stares again, once more i turned around n this time i was able 2 see someone but i couldn't recognize who it was so i kept walking n walking... there was no1 in the whole forrest exept me, my puppy n the stranger who was following me since a while now... i still kept walking cuz i got anxious. after another while walkin thru this forrest i started 2 hear the steps of this person so i turned around so that i was able 2 see where the person was n oh snap the person was comin nearer n nearer untill i recognized him.. yes u read right him it was my father. i started 2 panic n tried 2 run away cuz i knew when he'd get me here that no1 would b able 2 stop him, so i started running really fast n tried 2 hide somewhere but i couldnt find the right place 2 hide so i kept running but he still came nearer n nearer untill he got me.. he pushed me from behind n i fell down, at the same moment he started laughin really bad. first i started screaming really bad but after i while i stoped it cuz i recognized its not worth it cuz no1 else was in that forrest. he started hitting me really bad n then he got to do what he is used to do when he once got me n i'm not able 2 get away from him... i'm not able 2 tell u how long it took untill he finally left me alone cuz i just wanted it 2 b over...

after he was done with his "business" i got my clothes back n felt so terribly dirty. i tried 2 find my puppy cuz he was so scared that he was hiding behind some trees... anyways i got my puppy back n we started walking home thru the same awesome fields but this time walking thru 'em wasnt so nice anymore. i haven't been able 2 enjoy it anymore.. i was cryin the whole way back home which took me almost 2 hours cuz i always needed 2 take a break cuz my whole stomach was hurting really bad. after i finally reached my appartment the first thing i did was taking a bath.. a really long n hot one.. ive been in there for idk how long but after i got outta there i still felt dirty n took another one n that continued until i felt at least a tiny bit clean again. it wasn't worth it 2 call the police cuz my father is friends with them n i knew they wouldnt do anything.. wondering why i know that? i'll tell ya.. it wasn't the first time he raped me n it wasn't the first time the police didn't do anything n so i didn't even tried it again...

cuz of this i thought about what to do next. i seriously didnt had any idea untill i found some alc n some sleeping pills i was hidind cuz i suddenly dont wanted to take 'em but after this i just had the urge that i need to do anything. i knew when i tried 2 hit my father that he would probably kill me so i needed 2 find another way outta this craphole.. n so i did what i shouldn't do (what no1 ever should do) n tried 2 end up everything.. another reason why i did it was cuz i just have been so damn exhauste from all the dumb fighting with this fugly bastard called Mr.C also known as cancer... i nkow that it was wrong what i did but i just couldnt find any other way 2 handle that.. all the persons i suddenly used to talk 2 when something like this happend havent been there so i had no1 2 talk 2 for that moment n i thought when i wouldnt end up now he (my father) would probably try again 2 get me... anyways i took the first few pills n drunk a bit of alcohol until i recognized that this is not a solution either.. i was able 2 see that if i woudl give up now he would get what he tried 2 reach since 21 years n i dont wanted 2 give him that triumph!! so i went into the bathroom.. threw up until everything of the stuff went out again n after i was done i thought about what else i could do 2 show him that he's not able 2 get me down.. well i still dont have any idea how i can fight him back but i can tell ya that i will find a way doesnt matter how long it will take me untill i find something n doesnt matter how often he will continue 2 rape me i just know that the more he is goin 2 do it, the worst he will get it back one day!!

there's so much in each of our lifes which is worth living.. sometimes it just takes a little longer 2 recognize that but once u did it u know why u r fighting so hard for ur life.. believe me i know what im talking about especially after the horrible week i had... well after the got me back to life the second time this week, i just thought "christina u r here on this earth cuz u r having a mission, u r here cuz u have 2 open peoples eyes n u r here 2 change something in this not really fair world! but b4 u r able 2 start all the stuff u r planning u have 2 kick cancers butt so that u have enuff energy 2 help other people who r in a similar situation n r thinking they r alone.." i found the mission i have 2 win.. i found the reason why i'm still alive and i honestly have 2 say that i'm kinda glad that i'm still here cuz otherwise i wouldnt b able 2 help n reach out 2 everyone out there...

never forget that u r not alone with things like that.. some peeps just dont know how to handle this.. but i do know how 2 handle it.. i simply found out whats best for me how to handle it.. cuz i know when i wouldnt say a word that this crap will try 2 eat my mind someday n i dont wanna risk it... so if u have the feeling that u dontknow what to so or u r not able 2 find another way outta a crappy situation just think about for whom u r fighting, for whom u need to kick some asses n who deserves the winning feeling!! n this feeling shouldn't b for ur cruel punisher!! the winning feeling should b for u.. for u and for many others out there who u will b able 2 help.. just like i'm doin it...

"this is not gonna beat me and i'm not gonna give up!! the second u start thinking i can't do this anymore, u gonna lose the battle!"

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